I  just got an email from the Deans Office.. Now, it wasn’t personally written to me, so I feel slightly less worried by it, it was like a generalised email. It said something along the lines of “It has come to our attention that you may be struggling with your studies.” bla bla bla please make an appointment to talk to the dean about it.

Am I struggling with my studies? On one hand I would say no. On the other had I would say yes. Confused? Me too. It’s not that I can’t do the work. It’s not that I’m not interested. It’s not that I’m struggling with the content. It’s the fact that due to everything else, most days, even though uni is pretty high up there on the priorities list, there is a huge abyss between me and what I’m meant to be doing. That abyss is full of heavy air weighing down on me. It’s full of “don’t worry you can catch up” and the trouble is I know I probably can. Some days I can’t face physically going to uni. Some days I’ll go and after one class I’ll be back home. I try and go to every lab. But even that failed. I missed two in the last week before break.

I just don’t know how they can help me. I’ll pretty much be like.. umm well I’m kind of a psycho mess right now. Trryyying to sort it out. (The whole idea was to be slightly more stable before uni started to avoid this!! That’s why I asked for help. I didn’t factor in how long it would take..) Currently not alot of sorting out going on. Yes I’ve been to the doctor. And counselors. And even an assesment thing. But then it comes down to, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t think anyone else knows either.

I’m scared by not knowing what this appointment will be like. I don’t want to be told that I can’t cope with it. I know I can. Just. I know I’m doing alright in the work I do hand in. I just don’t want them to suggest I drop papers or go part time or anything like that. I want to struggle on. Not really. I’d rather not struggle but yknow. I’m scared of their judgement. It gets easier, the more you talk about depression and anxiety, the less you feel like you’re a freak and people will react badly..

I told my mum. Yup. Friday (day 2 with no meds, maxed out on the amount of diazepam I was directed to take if needed) I was a mess. For no apparent reason, unless it was the no meds. Several outbursts of crying followed by crashing out to sleep for an hour or so. 10pm came, i’d had my diazepam, it wasn’t calming me down, I couldn’t stop crying and I was starting to panic. Over what? I don’t even remember. I made the decision to call my Mum. I just wanted her. Really badly. Phonecall went something like

Mum: “Hello”

Me: hel-sob-ll-sob-o

Mum: Who is this? (She knew it was me or my sister lol)

Me: Gem-sob-ma *uncontrollably crying where you can’t talk cause instead of words sobs come out…*

Mum: What’s wrong?

Me: I -sob- do-sob-n’t -sob- kn-sob-ow

Mum: Do you want us to come in?

Me: Yes -waaaaaaaaah-

Lol that was the shortened version but pretty much how that went…  I’d calmed down but as soon as I heard my mum’s voice I was gone again.

So they came in. Had hugs and stuff. They didn’t pry. Thankfully. I had been all set to tell them (my parents) what was going on. With the doctor and the meds and the counselling and stuff. I couldn’t. They took me back to theirs and I stayed the night. Next morning I was talking to mum and somehow we got talking about stuff and she perfectly lead into the conversation I didn’t know how to start, “How are you? Like really. Like after you were taking those pills from the doctor. Are you still taking them?” And out comes the bare minimum spill of the truth. She told me I’m really good at hiding it. I know. It’s part of my problem. It went better than expected. But that’s because I didn’t really tell her the stuff I know she’d freak about.

Work has been good. Have got some hours at another store owned by the same people who own the one I primarily work at. Am getting sufficient hours at the moment now, so that I can actually have money left to do stuff!

Though stuff is kind of limited at the moment. My best friend is away at the beach sorting herself out. And is kind of awol. From me anyway. I miss her :( so much. I selfishly wish that she wasn’t going through stuff so that she could be here for me. I also wish she’d let me be there for her. But I may have fucked things up one night when I pretty much told her what I thought… breaking that rule “tell them what they want to hear, not what you think” And now she’s pretty much not talking to me about anything other than trivial crap. I’m possibly being paranoid but I don’t know. And one of my other friends is sick with glandular fever and so doesn’t wanna hang out. I got really drunk and may have pissed off some other friends. And then other friends have got girl/boyfriends right now and are all “oohhhh”. Seems my friends suck right now. I’m actually hanging out with the friends I don’t usually hang out with. Like they’re mates. But from ages ago. Highschool even. It’s not a bad thing. I just wish I could have both.

Had an interesting night with a friend from Auckland. I can’t pretended I didn’t think it would turn out how it did. Lol. I just wasn’t sure. I find it hard to read people sometimes. I find that the line between joking and serious, and friends and more than friends, is SO blurred. Usually I’m right when I judge it. I’ve only ever misjudged my friendship with a guy once. And I was like 15 so gimme a break! Haha. I have failed to notice what guys have thought, but that’s me being oblivious. Lol. But the one thing I’ve found that is SO important. Is to talk about it. Anytime something has happened I have to know what it meant. Of course SOME PEOPLE (no names, but I will laugh if you read this :P) like to clarify during or just before. Okay, that’s reasonable. But not when it freaks me out! Lol. I was like omg, I know what this is, but what does he want me to say.. oh shit.. But it was fine. He said what I wanted him to say. Which I’m pretty sure is what he wanted to say :)

So the deans office emailed me back. I asked for an appointment tues, thurs or fri. I GOT ONE FOR WEDNESDAY

FAIL!

Anyway. Time to go do something with my day I suppose.

I need them. I need them to help me before things get worse again.

I miss him. In a strange fucked up “there’s a piece missing”. I just want him to talk to me. He’s family.

I need someone, something, everything.

…

EDIT: HOLY  SHIT. Why are there not millions of comments correcting my spelling? Lol. That’s some epic fail right there if I ever did see it.. Sp correction: unpleasantness

o.O

I want to feel better.

I want to stop rollercoastering.

I want to stop this ache that is flowing through my body.

I feel like if I could tear it from me, from underneath my skin, then I would be okay, I could stop the sinking feeling.

That sounds crazy.

Probably is.

I can’t tell if I’m getting better or not.

I think that’s the hardest thing.

So…
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I’ll believe in

It’s innocence within the maze
But I have chosen the wrong way
I’m still getting over who I was
There’s no sense of trust, there’s no definition of love

So…
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I’ll believe in

I know now, it’s not who you are
It’s who you know
And I see clearly now, which way to go
I remember the way I fell from above
And I recall the way I was

So…
Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I’ll believe in
Shed some ling on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I’ll believe
Tell me something that I’ll…
Tell me something that I’ll believe
Tell me something that I’ll believe
Something I’ll believe

Two thousand and ten. Twenty-ten. However you would like to say it.

Was stuck in Hamilton for new years cause I worked last night, and am working tonight. No point going anywhere. Though work was like dead and I got sent home after an hour and a half if that, but was on call for another hour and a half just in case it got busy. I didn’t think/hoped it wasn’t going to get busy enough for them to need me, so i slowly started drinking anyway. Got changed at 25 past 8 lol was like fuck it! close enough to 8.30, when i was off call. Lol. Jess and I had drinks. It was interesting. Kind of had nothing to do so was like yeeeeah. Then we came up with a big plan for town. It involved busing. Cept that I had like 2.80 and needed 3 bucks for the bus. Luckily I found 20c on the floor in my flatmates room. When we finally made it to the busstop we waited for what felt like aaaages and a half and Jess was all like it’s not coming, it’s not gonna come, I was like yes it is!! It says it is! then finally, IT CAME! We took our alcohol to town sat and drank by the church. I ditched the bag in the bushes (was still there when we went back for it xD) Town was DEAD. Way worse than I thought it’d be. But all good. We found some guys to befriend and talk to at The Outback. Ended up sitting  with and talking to them most of the night. They bought us a shot each after midnight. The countdown to midnight was pretty cool. Got a kiss (on the cheek) from jess at midnight. Midnight kiss yeahhhh. Lol. When we left town we went and got my bag, decided just to walk home. On the way home we found a Give Way sign. Which we fully did not bring back home.. Came home and deepfried some fish for Jess, chips for me, and I even made/cooked a pizza. Pro as. So full now. Am in bed. Ready for sleep. Just thought I’d do a blog entry. New years and all.

Tonight we talked about what we were thankful/grateful for last year (2009).

Here is what I’m thankful/grateful for. It’s actually quite a lot.

- My parents for buying me a car because it gives me so much freedom

- Correspondence school still  being free for me

- Getting a job, because a) it let me move out, b) it’s giving me money c) I met Jess, and d) I met my current boyfriend and e) it’s heaps of fun

- My fight with Beka, because it made me realise a lot, and it also meant I moved into my new mean as flat with my awesome flatmates lol.

and yea.

bedtime now. cause i feel sick :(

Is it? Really? At the age of 18. Should life insurance really be something an 18 year old needs to worry about? It freaks me the fuck out. Yes I know we all die. Yes I know it could happen anytime. Accidents, illness, unexpected things. Whatever. Yes it’s a possibility.

But. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my fear of death. It’s just something I really don’t want to think about. And it scares me that it’s something I should probably consider. And I’m also scared of what else I will have to deal with in the future. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to have to be responsible. I want someone else to deal with everything for me. I don’t think I can handle it. I’m freaking out over just the thought of needing life insurance. What is wrong with me?

I feel so out of control. Not that i’m out of control. That I have no control. And I don’t want to resort back to my old habits to gain control.

I like having control.

I like knowing things for certain.

At the moment I don’t know what I know for certain.

My mind plays tricks on me.

I thought it was getting better.

I know I can’t expect the medication to fix everything right away. I just didn’t think I’d still feel like this again. It’s worse now that I know it’s not normal.

But other than freaking out about how I could just die tomorrow without life insurance, I had a good day. I stayed last night at J’s. Got up this morning, came home and folded all my washing. Had issues with the bathroom door. Was funny. Went and met up with Beka. Was good just hanging out. Then we went back to hers. There was somewhat of a drama… And then we came back to my place and just chilled out and talked until I had work. It was good, like old times.

Work was good. Got to work with Robbie again. He’s pretty cool. Had some laughs. Only worked for 2 hours, but then Paul said he’s gonna get me to work till close tomorrow night get me up to speed with closes and all that so i can work closes and get more hours YAY. so instead of a 3 or 4 hours shift I’ll be able to do a 5+hour shift which would be coooool.

Came home and ate too much. Boredom. Was only eating because I had nothing better to do lol.

Watching United States Of Tara at the moment. It’s real funny.

I wish I could blog about something worthwhile or funny. Not just a big “omgimsocrazy” whinge.

Meh.

It hits me.

For once I would like just a little bit longer of thinking I’m okay.

I know what triggered it. I just don’t understand what to do about it. Maybe I should go back to the counsellor. Maybe I should harden the fuck up.

I feel like I want to get back into blogging again properly. It used to amuse me so much. It’s just finding the time to do it. It’s not even like I’m that busy at the moment. Well I am. With life. And being sociable. For now I’ll just do a catchup of sorts.

Work:: I’m was working 3 nights a week – thurs, fri, sat up untill this week. I asked my manager for more hours because my student allowance is meant to have stopped as of this week (but mystudylink account says I’ll get another payment on tues? not sure what’s going on..) and then he called me while I was in the car. I made Jess answer it cause I was driving. Dropped into work and he was doing the rosters – “i’ve got you on here, here, here, here, here, here, then you’ve got a day off there, and then here, here” etc lol WHOA. So I work tonight and tomorrow night. Then tuesday-sun night, then tues-thurs christmas and boxing day we’re closed. Then I’m on most of the week after christmas I think. Working new years eve and new years day. They’re all 5.30pm starts. So I’m still gonna do stuff for new years, I just can’t be to hungover and need to be back for work. We’re gonna go to Kawhia. Gonna be sweeeet.

So pay next couple of weeks should be mean as. Hopefully. Cause I have like $20 untill wednesday at the moment. Lol. And my car rego is due on sunday.

Work is awesome. Is lots of fun. And yeah.

Flat:: My flat is awesome. My flatmates are awesome. I currently have a king single bed and base as my queen wouldn’t fit up the stairs. We have like everything we need now. Tv, ps2, dishwasher, normal sized microwave (our original one was huge and boxy and lived mostly unused on the couch) lol, i got us a kettle, deepfrier, coffee plunger, we have a huge range of pots and pans. All set up. Is great. We changed the lease over into our names. Had a flat inspection. Was interesting. Seeing as there is a whole in the wall and a huge burn in the carpet.. Shocking! Wasn’t my fault so allgood lol. Have actually barely been here overnight in a while. Which brings me too,

J:: My boyfriend(?) it’s weird calling him that. We are together. I finally clarified that the other night, there was never the “do you want to go out with me” but it felt like it sort of thing. But I just don’t associate the word boyfriend with him.  Lol. Been spending a whole heap of nights at his place. But no, we hasn’t “slept” together. Is weird because his flatmate works with me. So he’s all like oh yeah you stayed at mine again did you. Haha.

Mind:: So I’ve been taking the antidepressants for about two weeks now. I think I’ve only missed one day. Taking them in the morning again so that I remember better. Not making me as sleepy. I think they’re helping. I mean I’ve still had a few downbuzzes. But it’s less impactive. I’m feeling like I can cope just that bit better. Everythings not so hard anymore. I have been zoning out quite a bit though. Making some bad judgement errors. With driving especially. But I’d prefer just to forget bout those and hope it doesn’t happen again. Lol. I dunno, I’ve always been one to zone out, but it’s been weird lately. I dunno. Lol. *shrug*

Friends:: Are great. Especially when you get them back. Things have gone back to normal with Beka. Have been hanging out with Joe quite a bit which is awesome. Hanging out with Jess heaps too. Have been trying to catchup with internet or long distanced friends too. Is just hard remembering to txt or talk to them online. Lol. Am a lousy person to keep in contact with.

Have been in bed watching tv all day today. Could blog about the stupid shit that’s on these days but really can’t be bothered. Oh goody time for neighbours.

To all my readers:: Thank you for reading. Thank you for those of you that come back. And thank you to those of you that follow my blog even when I haven’t posted for ages. I was suprised when I found out people still read it. I love getting comments and knowing that people are reading, so feel free to leave your thoughts :)