I went to the bank with Beka today. She was applying for a loan. The lady told her about the loan insurance you can take out and how she should consider it in case anything happens. It included death cover so if she died her family wouldn’t have to pay it back. It was kinda expensive, so the bank lady suggested personal life insurance which was cheaper or something. She was saying even though it’s quite depressing it’s something you should think about.

Is it? Really? At the age of 18. Should life insurance really be something an 18 year old needs to worry about? It freaks me the fuck out. Yes I know we all die. Yes I know it could happen anytime. Accidents, illness, unexpected things. Whatever. Yes it’s a possibility.

But. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my fear of death. It’s just something I really don’t want to think about. And it scares me that it’s something I should probably consider. And I’m also scared of what else I will have to deal with in the future. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to have to be responsible. I want someone else to deal with everything for me. I don’t think I can handle it. I’m freaking out over just the thought of needing life insurance. What is wrong with me?

I feel so out of control. Not that i’m out of control. That I have no control. And I don’t want to resort back to my old habits to gain control.

I like having control.

I like knowing things for certain.

At the moment I don’t know what I know for certain.

My mind plays tricks on me.

I thought it was getting better.

I know I can’t expect the medication to fix everything right away. I just didn’t think I’d still feel like this again. It’s worse now that I know it’s not normal.

But other than freaking out about how I could just die tomorrow without life insurance, I had a good day. I stayed last night at J’s. Got up this morning, came home and folded all my washing. Had issues with the bathroom door. Was funny. Went and met up with Beka. Was good just hanging out. Then we went back to hers. There was somewhat of a drama… And then we came back to my place and just chilled out and talked until I had work. It was good, like old times.

Work was good. Got to work with Robbie again. He’s pretty cool. Had some laughs. Only worked for 2 hours, but then Paul said he’s gonna get me to work till close tomorrow night get me up to speed with closes and all that so i can work closes and get more hours YAY. so instead of a 3 or 4 hours shift I’ll be able to do a 5+hour shift which would be coooool.

Came home and ate too much. Boredom. Was only eating because I had nothing better to do lol.

Watching United States Of Tara at the moment. It’s real funny.

I wish I could blog about something worthwhile or funny. Not just a big “omgimsocrazy” whinge.

Meh.

Just when I think I’m doing okay.

It hits me.

For once I would like just a little bit longer of thinking I’m okay.

I know what triggered it. I just don’t understand what to do about it. Maybe I should go back to the counsellor. Maybe I should harden the fuck up.

My laptop screen that is. Lol.

I feel like I want to get back into blogging again properly. It used to amuse me so much. It’s just finding the time to do it. It’s not even like I’m that busy at the moment. Well I am. With life. And being sociable. For now I’ll just do a catchup of sorts.

Work:: I’m was working 3 nights a week – thurs, fri, sat up untill this week. I asked my manager for more hours because my student allowance is meant to have stopped as of this week (but mystudylink account says I’ll get another payment on tues? not sure what’s going on..) and then he called me while I was in the car. I made Jess answer it cause I was driving. Dropped into work and he was doing the rosters – “i’ve got you on here, here, here, here, here, here, then you’ve got a day off there, and then here, here” etc lol WHOA. So I work tonight and tomorrow night. Then tuesday-sun night, then tues-thurs christmas and boxing day we’re closed. Then I’m on most of the week after christmas I think. Working new years eve and new years day. They’re all 5.30pm starts. So I’m still gonna do stuff for new years, I just can’t be to hungover and need to be back for work. We’re gonna go to Kawhia. Gonna be sweeeet.

So pay next couple of weeks should be mean as. Hopefully. Cause I have like $20 untill wednesday at the moment. Lol. And my car rego is due on sunday.

Work is awesome. Is lots of fun. And yeah.

Flat:: My flat is awesome. My flatmates are awesome. I currently have a king single bed and base as my queen wouldn’t fit up the stairs. We have like everything we need now. Tv, ps2, dishwasher, normal sized microwave (our original one was huge and boxy and lived mostly unused on the couch) lol, i got us a kettle, deepfrier, coffee plunger, we have a huge range of pots and pans. All set up. Is great. We changed the lease over into our names. Had a flat inspection. Was interesting. Seeing as there is a whole in the wall and a huge burn in the carpet.. Shocking! Wasn’t my fault so allgood lol. Have actually barely been here overnight in a while. Which brings me too,

J:: My boyfriend(?) it’s weird calling him that. We are together. I finally clarified that the other night, there was never the “do you want to go out with me” but it felt like it sort of thing. But I just don’t associate the word boyfriend with him.  Lol. Been spending a whole heap of nights at his place. But no, we hasn’t “slept” together. Is weird because his flatmate works with me. So he’s all like oh yeah you stayed at mine again did you. Haha.

Mind:: So I’ve been taking the antidepressants for about two weeks now. I think I’ve only missed one day. Taking them in the morning again so that I remember better. Not making me as sleepy. I think they’re helping. I mean I’ve still had a few downbuzzes. But it’s less impactive. I’m feeling like I can cope just that bit better. Everythings not so hard anymore. I have been zoning out quite a bit though. Making some bad judgement errors. With driving especially. But I’d prefer just to forget bout those and hope it doesn’t happen again. Lol. I dunno, I’ve always been one to zone out, but it’s been weird lately. I dunno. Lol. *shrug*

Friends:: Are great. Especially when you get them back. Things have gone back to normal with Beka. Have been hanging out with Joe quite a bit which is awesome. Hanging out with Jess heaps too. Have been trying to catchup with internet or long distanced friends too. Is just hard remembering to txt or talk to them online. Lol. Am a lousy person to keep in contact with.

Have been in bed watching tv all day today. Could blog about the stupid shit that’s on these days but really can’t be bothered. Oh goody time for neighbours.

To all my readers:: Thank you for reading. Thank you for those of you that come back. And thank you to those of you that follow my blog even when I haven’t posted for ages. I was suprised when I found out people still read it. I love getting comments and knowing that people are reading, so feel free to leave your thoughts :)

The citalopram makes me nauseous.

Apparently it’ll go away after a few days.

I think it’s also making me sleepy.

Sigh.

I just hope it helps.

So counselling wasn’t working. I think I’m past that point at the moment. Counsellor told me to go back to the doctor. I asked mum for some money so I could pay for it. She asked why. I told her it was cause I was stressed and not sleeping properly still. She was all like rah rah that’s why you went to counselling. I’m just like I know. But it’s not helping. She rang me this morning while I was in bed. Hah funny story, wasn’t even my bed. I ended up staying at J’s again… (J being a guy I met at work, then he helped me study for exams and um then.. he was going to give me the Perfect World installer, and he had Zombieland so I went over to watch that) It begins with a movie (the first night it was actually 3, last night we only watched one cause it was late as).. and then.. All perfectly innocent mind you! Nothing past second base. If I’ve got my bases right.. Lol. And anyway, I kind of went into more detail about how I”ve been feeling, but not admitting to the depression bit. Just said I’m anxious all the time. She goes on about how she’s been there. Blah blah. Stress med relief. Don’t take pills from the doctor. Even though I’d pretty much already decided that I’d take them if he thought I should.

I’m just over feeling like this. And now that I’ve finally allowed myself to ask for help, I’ve realised that it’s not okay to feel like this, it’s not normal, it’s not me being pathetic and whingey. Several of the expressions of the counsellor and doctors faces in reaction to things I’ve told them, have absolutely scared me. I’ve desensitised myself to how bad it is I think.

But I told my mum I’d buy the stress med relief. And not go on meds. She just txt me asking how I went and if I was feeling better. What am I meant to say? I really do not want to admit to having been pretty depressed for the last couple of years. That’s like the only way she’ll realise I need to try the meds. But how can I tell her that for two years she has completely missed that I wasn’t okay?!

I don’t know what to do. Gonna start the meds sunday morning. Going to town with Beka Saturday night. Don’t really want to drink the first time I take them lol

Hmmm. I feel crap. Have work in 45mins. Need to cheer up. Get my head together. I couldn’t concentrate at all last night and was screwing up pizzas and just not on game at all. Hopefully tonight will be better.

The counsellor told me to either a) write down every time I feel anxious, what I was doing, how bad etc etc or b) write a timeline sort of thing of good and bad events.
I’ve had two weeks. My appointment is tomorrow. And I just haven’t done it. Fuck.

K starting it now. I can’t think of the good things. It’s horrible. I don’t care. I’ll make it up on the spot.

Lol.

This was such a pointless post.

I don’t understand.

I don’t know what I want.

I am so confused.

I don’t understand other people.

I don’t understand what they want.

I am SO CONFUSED.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m sure i’m reading signals wrong. All over the place. Not 1, 2 or 3 people, FOUR people I am confused about. 3 of which are guys.

I was so bad last night. I remember flirting with at least 3 different guys. And leading them on. None of which were the guy I actually like. Sigh. I was drunk. It was funny.

If it’s what I want then why does it feel so wrong?

I thought I missed our friendship, but I’m so reluctant to give it another shot.

I know I should, but I just don’t have the energy.

I’m not sure what I’m doing right now. In life. In general.

I’m not sure who I can trust. And I’m not sure what people think of me. I’m so confused. So many people give out mixed signals.

And then there’s me. Who doesn’t know what she wants. So strings everybody along.

3 seems to be the magical number when it comes to guys. there’s always three interested. or three potentials. does my head in.

this time i know what i want. but i don’t know if it’s for the right reasons. and i’m having a hard time working out where it’s all going.

sigh

I can’t do this.

I can’t keep up with how I’m feeling.

It’s not okay.

I’m freaking out.

—————-

And now I’m fine again.

What the fuck is happening to me?